Pretty good year
On rest, gratitude and charting into the unknown
Dearest readers,
I’ve missed you. It turns out that committing to writing a Substack is harder than I had anticipated. Or rather, I should say, in Q4 of this year, I engaged in a pretty serious unplug. Thanks to the help of a friend/coach, I was put on work bed rest. If my last few sends sounded like I was an overheating computer, it’s because that’s the state I was in. I needed to reset and update my software. And I’m lucky enough to have the space, time, and resources to do just that.
Unstructured time has never been something I’m great with. I know from the outside (and from my writing) that it might look like I’m an overachieving ambition goblin, but I’m more like an anxious person with a constant fear of failure (leftover bad student trauma). In the past, all time was possibility because I felt like I had squandered so much of it in my youth. The idea that I should never waste a second became a pattern, and I can’t remember the last time I took a real vacation (even vacations were a time to scheme up new projects).
All that missed and necessary downtime came at a cost, and my body and mind are asking for a new way. Since the middle of October, I’ve been without full-time work. Until mid-November, I hosted a podcast about women and work at the Cut (which I hope you will check out—I talk to fantastic women business leaders, including fashion innovator Aurora James, #girlboss inventor Sophia Amoruso, astrology titans Chani Nicholas and Sonya Passi and so many more). I also published a few more pieces. And got married.
But that’s it omg. And without a ton of deadlines or a day job—I’ve been genuinely trying to rest for the first time in probably over a decade. I’ve been walking when the weather allows, meeting friends for coffee, staying in at night, and reading fiction (I finally got through All Fours, and all I’ll say for now is it was fine). I’ve been cooking a lot and getting back on the yoga mat when it calls to me. This sounds a little too romantic; let me add: I’ve also just been trying to see if I can sleep through the night, checking in with my body only to feel the full force of perimenopause, making sure I shower every day, and trying to ease my constant anxiety (something I thought for a long time was motivation).
The downtime is teaching me a lot, especially what my most authentic relationship to energy is. I’ve become observant of how much it takes to do things: Cook, keep things organized, pay your bills on time, feed your family, get enough rest, get any movement, show up for your people, work, feel, and create. I was so used to doing everything in a panic, under pressure, and with youth on my side I took for granted how much time and energy things take when paying attention to what you are truly capable of and what you should probably say no to.
I’m blessed to be getting a taste of what life is like with rest, not waking up and reading the news first, not spending my days on Zoom calls and managing people and projects, or pushing myself to meet untenable deadlines. I’m trying to cherish this time, mark it, own it; I’m refusing to feel guilty for taking it, for leaving people on read, for limiting my interactions, for hibernating. I’m a fucking bear!
And spring will most certainly come. There is, of course, only so long I can do this, so I’m trying to enjoy it rather than fill it with the anxiety of not knowing what is to come next, yes, in my life but also in this country and this world—neither of which are in their peak era.
In the moments that I can be calm and observant, I find room to truly love and appreciate the gifts I’ve been given: love, health, ability, housing, food, friends, and family.
As we close out the year, I’m praying you also have the time to reflect, take a moment to take stock and embrace what nourishes you while discarding what is no longer serving you. Or just that you get to watch a bunch of bad TV.
Happy New Year, beautiful readers - see you in 2025.
xo, Samhita
Every once in a while I check in with the FIRE (financial independence, retire early) message boards to see what I'm missing and vicariously live through folks who retired at 35. Recently I came across a thread where people talked about how lost they felt when they actually retired -- even though they had diligently planned and worked toward that for decades. Rest is a gift but, I think, disorienting! Enjoy being a bear for a while. Let the rest of us know how to do it.
Thank you so much for this! I’m with you on so many levels, starting with All Fours being “fine” 🥰. And the power of hibernation. I needed this today 💫